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I Was Just Wondering…

August 30, 2016

Haven’t we all come to the conclusion that clowns no longer make a sensible costume to try and lure children into the woods with? Or just like, just a sensible ploy to try and get kids to trust you at all?

I just had the pleasure of reading a recent story in which

a clown or a person dressed in clown clothing

is trying to lure children into the woods. Well, I mean, first off we have some detective work to do like, is it JUST a person in clown clothes? Or is it a born clown? We need to know.

And ok sure, it’s not a “pleasure” to read this per se but you should see some of the shit these Clown or Clown Imposters came up with. It’s the worst list of “How to Lure a Child” ever and I believe it looks something similar to:

Step 1: Don a Clown costume (Not to be confused with – Don, a Clown costume which is the name of my personal costume) 

Step2: Move around in said costume to ensure optimum comfortability and then grab some knives and money.

Step3: Master weird noises and your “but i have some candy” voice

Step4: Go into the woods and wait. 

Step5: Check once more you have the knives and money, kids love that shit. 

Step6: See a kid? OH MAN HERE IT GOES! Wield your knife and yell very loudly that you have candy and then maybe even laugh a little with crazy eyes. 

Step7: Repeat all steps again if you’re having trouble procuring a child. 

Understandably, the non-clown residents of Greenville, SC are a lotta disturbed. One woman’s concern:

It doesn’t make no sense that they would be targeting kids,” Donna Arnold said.

Well, Donna… you’re right, it doesn’t make no sense. But only it does, because it’s as cliche as a southern person saying “it doesn’t make no”. The question here, Donna and everyone else, is WHY they think this is effective for what I assume is a very comical child sacrifice they’re prepping for.

Donna’s husband felt it appropriate to, in respect to his community, clear up the type of area they live in:

We talk to them constantly [about stranger danger] because this is a bad neighborhood, but nothing like this has happened,” James Arnold said. “This is one of the neighborhoods where guys are walking around carrying guns, but we’ve had no clowns before.

Thanks for clearing that up, sir. I’m not terrified beyond my very rational fear of clowns now.

But apparently, this ‘clown thing’ doesn’t stop at children. Look at the harassment this woman faced:

An unidentified neighbor is mentioned in the sheriff’s report as having seen a clown when she was walking to her house at 2:30 a.m. in the morning of Aug. 21. “[She] saw a clown with a blinking nose, standing under a post light near the garbage dumpster area,” read the incident report. “She stated the suspect waved at her and she waved back while she made her way to her residence safely. The suspect did not approach her or harm her.”

The question here is what was this woman doing out alone at 230am, especially with clowns loose in the area. Had something happened to her, I think we can ALL agree it was probably bc she was dressed very scantily. Or maybe EFFING CLOWNS ARE JUST LOITERING IN GREENVILLE AND THAT’S EFFING SCARY AS FUCK.

Per the sherrif’s report, multiple children believe the clowns (yes plural, residents have seen up to 10 at once) live in a house at the end of a man made trail nearby…which conjures many questions but the first being, are they always dressed like clowns while lounging around this house? And also, um, dafuq you know where a whole gaggle of clowns live, kids?

I’m getting away from myself, basically Forest Clowns, lay off the kids. That’s fucked up, you’ll go to jail for attempted kidnapping even if you’re just trying to teach them about their future adult life and how horrifying it is in some weird southern art installation.


And honestly, you seem dedicated. So switch up the costumes, Party City has a bevy of hilarious costumes to wear so Buzzfeed writes an article about your apparent attempts at child thievery.


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