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Pee’s and Thank You

August 4, 2016

Ok, weirdos. I have a problem that I’ve had a constant thought stream about… and I can’t stall on the issue any longer… I have to sort through the P’s and Q’s of this dilemma and I’m just not able to hold it in any longer…

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Ok so clearly we’re talking bathroom stuff. But more specifically… Who the fuck goes first and how that can affect your entire bathroom experience.

There is nothing more awkward than walking into a public bathroom with a coworker (or friend), full of conversation, until the stall latches and you’re both dropping trou. The immediate seconds after are only known in horror films released between ’81-’86. It’s a GD nightmare.

bathroom

The laughter from your witty retort prior to slipping into the stall has long ago echoed away past the hipster exposed piping of your Brooklyn office bathroom. And you’re both sitting, multiple metal walls apart (God forbid it’s not directly next door), waiting for the other’s stream but wishing you could go first so it doesn’t sound like your stream needed their stream to release itself. But then going first makes you feel the need to quiet your stream as to not embarrass or scare away the shy stream of your bathroom buddy.

I know ladies, you’re sweating right now. I’m sorry to expose you to PTSD symptoms of the stall variety, but we have another level of this fresh hell that we must address: THE OVERLY DELAYED STREAM RELEASE. Or ODSR for all doctors reading this post.

This, my non urethra (is that the pee part? *can’t find anatomy books under all the Harley Quinn comics and YA book series*) wearing friends, is something of a phenomenon. We (the doctors) are not really sure how to medically explain the elusive ODSR but basically it’s an issue where you can’t pee because you’re lost in thought but you can’t focus on peeing because then the pee won’t come so you have to pretend to be lost in thought but really you’re focusing on peeing.

annie-eyes

This isn’t that big of a deal unless you can’t conjure the flow during the time your coworker or bathroom patron has peed, wiped, flushed and (hopefully) washed. Because then we go from pee paranoia… to POOP PRIDE. No, you are not pooping. Yes, you will pee. But if it doesn’t trickle into existence before that coworker walks out the door you might as well be hunched over taking a massive… You may as well just poop because your reputation for the rest of the day is “The coworker who waited to poop”.

As you can see, women have a tough go of things. You can say a period or delivering a baby or being paid less or being told to smile or being called a cold bitch if you don’t is a pain in the neck… but the real issue in the craw of the collective woman is peeing in the private public. Clearly.

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