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Pop-A-Squat

June 30, 2015

I’ve been observing a common trend in today’s girls, ladies, women and hoes. I commonly see it in the bathroom (in my defense I’m not literally seeing it, I’m not a perv….mostly)  but it’s a technique that can be used in the wilderness as well. And, shockingly enough, it’s more appropriate behind your tent than what I’m seeing in civilization.

You know who you are….Squatters.

Squatting! Above the thing created to house you as you relieve yourself. It even comes designed with a bowl like feature below to catch the effects of um…like…the..you know..the uh..splatter. Of pee! Listen, I’m just the messenger, go with the flow.

I don’t know where this came from. I’d never seen it in my hillbilly days of growing up in Tejas and that says something. We have Wal-Mart there.

But suddenly, a maneuver made to pee in an alley after you hit “da club” or maybe in the seedy ass bar you ventured into after rumors of free pizza with every drink, has popped its squat in restrooms around the world.

Let me tell you a little story and then we’ll get into the science of it: My office restroom is spotless in the morning. Literally and figuratively. But by 3pm, it looks likes a group of male cats sauntered in, ripped up toilet paper and sprayed the porcelain seats of shame. It’s fucking disgusting. Pardon my potty mouth.

Now the science. I’m not doctor or scientist…but I have something far more valuable than “open heart surgery” skills: I can prescribe a hearty dose of common sense.

YOU CAN SIT ON THE SEAT AND NOT CONTRACT DISEASES. It’s science. I’m not going to quote it here because #google. Just take the energy you would have used hovering over a toilet seat and look it up.

Ladies…the screen of your phone is more diseased than the toilet seat. A phone..that you touch with your hands…that you used to wipe the sweat off your lip…that you then touched to a subway pole….is more diseased than a toilet seat. And in your “effort” to be clean, I now have to wipe up your pee everyday…or on most occasions, just roll my eyes and leave the fucking bathroom. I already have to wipe a lil hiney everyday, if I didn’t birth you I shouldn’t be cleaning up your piss.

Can we please go back to the good ‘ol days of ladies around the world sitting on toilet seats? I felt really weird writing that but I digress.

Leave your thigh work outs for the gym and stop spraying our bathrooms like cats in heat. It’s unbecoming.

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