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Time Machines Exist (Within Pleated Slacks).

June 12, 2014

An open letter to a new employee:


Dear Mr. Shirt tucked in and pleated slacks wearing headphones I wore in 3rd grade,

Congratulations on your new role here within this company. But a few questions:

Why are you wearing an office outfit from the mid 90’s? Who is allowing you to wear an office outfit from the mid 90’s? Have you met ear buds?

While your clothes are a pressing matter, the intensity in your eyes disturbs me in an “American Psycho” context- and the sheer fact you dress as a character from the book gives weight to my imagination.

I’m not sure if this is all a part of your master plan to fit into the norm by appearing as if you don’t. “Nobody will suspect the man in mid 90’s office apparel, he’s just listening to Third Eye Blind on his cushioned mid 90’s headphones.”

Well played my friend. But I know you know I’ve caught on.

I found you creeping around a corner the other day and I blatantly commanded that you, “stop being creepy”. I believe I’ve been added to your list but I accept that. I’m exposing you now on this blog and it won’t be hard for people in this office to find you….you’re wearing pleated slacks. And you tuck your shirts in too far, so it’s not cool, it’s slightly creepy.

I have a good view of you from my desk and I’ll do what I can to keep this office safe from whatever tricks you have up your pleats. I’ll see if you hide a chainsaw in your desk. And maybe you’re not a serial killer, maybe I’m weirder for staring at you from across the office because you creep me out. But whatever. I’m a martyr. I’ll fall on my weirdo sword to keep others safe.

Perhaps your schtick is working. Perhaps you’re not a serial killer but someone from the past that has come to the future to set something right. Perhaps you’re confused by iPhones and straighter/tighter office pants even though you somehow engineered a time machine. I don’t know. 

But I’m equally intrigued/terrified. And I’m equally  invested in my desire for you to wear your shirt not as tucked in.

Sincerely the girl who told you stop being creepy,


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