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Advertising Aversion: The Story of Maternity Leave Thoughts

February 13, 2014

The longest stretch I’ve been stuck in this apartment with a poop demon was 3 days.

Three. Days.

Needless to say, in the first month of maternity leave, I’ve watched a lot of TV. I’ve also done some other things in my spare time that’s alarmingly close to curing cancer:

vagine 2I’m not proud. 

Along with the hours of TV I can barely focus on thanks to sleep deprivation and a constantly present human attached to her host milk supply- I see a lot of commercials. I can leave work, but work stays in focus.

The problem? I’m starting to see trends in advertising that are insanely annoying to me. I feel like they’re testing my level of intelligence and I’d like to discuss:

Don’t like this product? We’ll send you more of it then! 

Am I missing something? I…don’t….like….it. Well then, here’s some more! It’s the product equivalent of telling your mom you don’t like brussel sprouts so she loads eight more bitter balls of green confusion to your plate. Why do brands insist, upon announcing you’re not satisfied, they’ll send you another box of their products free of charge. So…I’ll have two of your items that I’m not satisfied with? What kind of mind trickery is this? I still haven’t figured it out in entirely but I feel like there’s a trick up your sleeve and when I’m dealing with your tampon brand there’s only one thing I need up a sleeve. And I better be damned satisfied with it.

Try our new simple kind! 

I eat cookies. So it made sense that I would notice this trend first in cookies, but it exists in an array of products at your local grocery store. And it evokes murderous rage.

I’ve noticed that brands are now introducing “Simple” versions of their chemical loaded processed foods. They coo things like “You can pronounce everything in it” or “6 natural ingredients”. And you know what? It’s effing smart. It’s a simple technique to lure in the simple minded people that don’t ask- why can’t it just be like that to begin with? Can you not make your other cookies with simple (and let’s be honest here, simple just means real ingredients that cost next to nothing to acquire if you’re baking at home) staples so that you’re not pumping your products, and our systems, with strange add-ins that are illegal in countries as close as the UK. I’m not one to pass up a sweet treat, even if Keebler made it, but if you’re announcing a cleaner cookie and your ability to make it…just make your cookies that way all around! If “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is announcing their new “I Can’t Believe I Can Make This Without Artificial Flavor And Other Shit”…Why keep the product with artificial flavor and other shit???

I know there are many more versions of the tricks turned by my chosen career….and lezzbeeoness- you’re not advertising to my clear genius (cough). You’re advertising to these people:

people-of-walmart-10-3 2

Keep up the good work.

***Note: It’s been a long minute since I penned one of these princesses. Let’s not focus too clearly on ant typos and let me get my arm back in good order. (I’ve left the typo in this very disclaimer because I’m modest and humble)

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