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Oh Baby, It Couldn’t Get Weirder

November 21, 2013

Whilst I sit here actively growing a human, I can’t help but think about how weird I can one day make her. I’m terrified that she’ll become some shallow, materialistic thingy that knows how to apply makeup by 6 and ask to “totes talk to friends” by age 4.

In my quest for understanding the balance of making her weird but not…like…weird…I searched out the weirdest beginnings for tiny humans.

And boy does it get fucking weird.

Finland thinks outside the box….or sleeps in the box? 

Apparently in Finland it’s cool to shove your infant in a cardboard box to sleep. But where do you get such a lovely sleeping box? From Buy Buy Baby? Nope! Just use the normal ‘ol cardboard square your gifts come in! HOW CONVENIENT!

Think about it, that baby isn’t going anywhere. And if you need to ship him or her off to the grandparents for a weekend visit, it’s like the baby packed itself!

You Drool? I Spit.

Bulgaria is a place that has the baby’s best interest at heart. They figured out a way to protect you from the devil himself.  I mean, that’s pretty effing considerate.

When the baby is born it will obviously be fawned over. Told it’s a miracle and precious and such a cutie pie. And that right there is the best way to make the devil soooo jealous. He’s normally pretty chill, right? But those babies, getting all that attention, he can’t stand it. So parents think quick and spit in that babies face! Spit right in it! As if to say, see Devil? This baby is poop! Plain poop! Absolutely nothing to be jealous of.

And it works.

Let Them Eat Cake! Or Wear It! 

In Ireland, I would eat babies.

Wait…let me start that again.

In Ireland, I would eat babies! …..Okay, so it doesn’t get better. But hear me out.

The luck of the Irish save their top tier wedding cake for as long as it takes to bake a human. Then, at the christening, they sprinkle cake over the baby’s head. Holy water be damned, cake is where it’s at. And if I attended that christening while on this low carb boring no cake diet, I would freaking eat that baby….or at least lick the cake from its baby fresh head. Cake and new baby smell? I mean…if that flavor doesn’t exist then the Irish should hop on it.

So yeah….shit gets weird. I didn’t even mention China’s potty training methods from two months in, seawood soup diet for the Koreans or Bali’s “Don’t You Dare Touch The Ground” traditions. But you should def check them out.

And i’ll keep you up to date with my methods of weirdness training once I birth this wonderous fetus.

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