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And Then That White Slice Happened…

August 19, 2013

The farther along I get in this Human Growing Project I’m coming to the conclusion that a lot of shit happens that they can’t cover in the books done in tasteful pinks and yellows.

You’ll find a lot of lists online like this that cover anything from after birth (literally the time after you give birth, not the other afterbirth) to during and to before….but if you don’t know what happens before you found out an alien has called your body Host….you should…probably become…a teenager.

My list is a personal recollection of all the weird shit I’ve experience and it’s only been 19 weeks.

1. Your pulse. Hoooooly shit…your pulse. I feel it everywhere, beating and beating and beating. I’ve lived my entire life trusting the fact that what you learn in biology is true, I’ve never felt the need to be reminded on a pulse by pulse basis. But it’s there….pulsing as I sit. Read. Sleep. Walk. Blink. Breathe.

2. You’ll hate watermelon for about a decade until your baby daddy makes mention of this in front of company only to turn around to find you’ve consumed an entire half, face in the concave of juicy, fruity awesomeness.

3. The ungodly need for a white slice…a type of pizza you could have given a shit less about mere months ago. In fact, I rarely even wanted pizza. I’m from Texas, we crave Tex-Mex. But with half an italian taking control of my body, it obviously is leaning more towards the ricotta side of life.

4. You’ve gone from telling a toilet your deepest darkest secrets to a Satiated Contest in which you compete with your unborn child to feel the food you know you’ve just consumed. You have crumbs down your cleavage, a smear of something on your chin that your boyfriend so lovingly (behind the grimace) wipes from your trap, and an empty plate on your lap….but, where is that feeling that you’ve put food into your gut? I’ll tell you…that baby is hoarding every fucking morsel to gain strength for uterus domination. This kid doesn’t play around. *chews on a white slice*

5. You’ll have the best dreams about 4 band members you’ve been dying to dream orgy with your entire sexually awake life. Only…now you’ll have them as your stomach becomes a disco ball, something kicks from the inside like a sick knock-knock joke, and you’ll consider trading that slice of life with them for a more reachable slice….the white slice.

6. You’ll try and think of #6 but get distracted by wondering if you could find a cookie nearby or if you’ll settle for a candy bar. Possibly a milk shake. I should have brought one of my oatmeal cream pies from home.

7. You’ll look at the most recent ultrasound and wonder if everyone’s 5 inch child has a nose that large. Possibly the fetus will grow into it? Possibly you knew genetically this a was a possibility but you’ll still ponder fetal rhinoplasty for the dignity of your unborn child?

8. And probably the most alarming of them all is the fact that I thought, with that whole ‘becoming a maternal figure’ thing, I would be a patient and calm being floating through all that is stressful like a swollen, child bearing cloud…..But, in contrast, I WANT TO PHYSICALLY HARM 6/10 PEOPLE I COME INTO CONTACT WITH ON A DAILY BASIS. Oh boy do I want to harm them. Trip them, punch their back skulls, push them, ram their head against the subway entrance door….anything that proves I don’t give a fuck about their lives and how important they think they are. I am pregnant, hear me roar.

Pregnant, ya’ll.

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