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My Friends Are Ruining My Life.

May 3, 2013

It’s really awful, weirdos. I don’t know what to do or say but my friends? They’re ruining my damn life.

How? Well, isn’t it obvious?

THEY’RE TRICKING ME INTO THINKING I’M A CELEBRITY!

Imagine what that’s like checking your bank account?

Exhibit A-

“Obvi we’re going, Miley Cyrus. And drinks are on me, beeyotch!”

“Yeah, thayuts grayt! Weer gettun our guuuurl aaahn! *belch*” 

Excited and wearing our best Ed Hardy, I mean, Gucci- I check my bank account to boost my ego and awesomeness bc I’m going out with Miley Cyrus and it’s gonna be “grayt”. My remaining balance is shown, my stomach drops into my knees. I feign a headache and go home to cry myself to sleep. 

Okay, okay- so I’m probs not going to ever meet up with Miley Cyrus- that’s completely fictional as I wouldn’t be caught dead next to her and obvi the pap’s will be mad crazy over getting my pic with her. But imagine if this DID happen.

It would be all my friends faults.

It all started with birthday invitations. I’ve got wicked talented friends and for two years now they’ve helped with designing my invites. No big deal, right?

But then you add on having Maki design my blog. More invites. “Oh, you need awesome black and white prints for your birthday party?” BAM! There they were.

She even brought me salt and EVOO from Spain- like a wise man to baby Jesus. THIS IS HOW INTENSE IT’S GETTING!

And then- the ledge in which I fall to my achey breaky heart depths. My friend, Xtina, had become my personal trainer. Personal trainer. Sure, she’s using me to better become the most kick ass personal trainer to people who actually pay but that’s besides the point. We train and then we go to brunch where we enjoy cocktails in the sun. And then we hang with super models posing for Sport Illustrated….this activity may or may not have been a TV show we watched after brunch.

This all has to stop. I am but a mere mortal, unable to keep up the facade of someone so awesome and worthy of all this girly gratis. I have nothing to shower upon them but a vague promise to thank them in the book I haven’t published yet or “pretend” hire them as future positions in my entourage (posse). Do you know how long Curtis has been waiting to be my personal driver in which we get caught up in an action adventure set up where we must transport some girl somewhere important for reasons I can’t remember because I haven’t seen that movie in years?

Friends, I appreciate all you’ve done for me- but for the love of all that is sane and holy, STOP!

And by stop, I mean- keep going because it’s AWESOME!

Kim- thanks for jamming my biscuit this morning. #CelebLife 

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. May 3, 2013 11:17 am

    Hey dont forget the security detail aka Bubba and the bitch that brings you back to earth aka your Mother and your PA aka the Baby Sister!!!!!

  2. Maki permalink
    May 3, 2013 7:30 pm

    Wait, what did Kim do this morning?!?!? Show me on this doll here what she did.

    • May 3, 2013 7:44 pm

      HAHAHAHAHA are you drunk?

      • Maki permalink
        May 3, 2013 8:20 pm

        Currently? Yes. At 7:44? No.

      • May 3, 2013 8:54 pm

        Nothing says drunk like watching Once Upon A Time and texting about fictional characters. When the boys are away…

    • maki permalink
      May 3, 2013 9:08 pm

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