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I Was Just Wondering…

March 22, 2013

When the *bleep* did people start washing their hands before using the bathroom?

At first, as I sat alone in my stall, I thought I might be hearing things. Mayhap two people were in the bathroom and I hadn’t heard the other one walk in. But then, as a huddled in my favorite corner stall (if you can’t have a corner office, it’s the next best thing), I realized- nay…it is one person washing their hands before slipping into a stall to take care of biznass to then wash their hands again.

Sigh. I find this a tad excessive. I’m all for being clean, I get the importance of not spreading disease from our bathroom riddled hands but I also know that all the squirts, sprays and lotions with the all holy anti-bacterial is a welcome mat for struggles with everyday things like allergens and colds and witches. Science.

There was a moment when I thought it was the same person, too. I can deal with one backwards hand washer but it seems to be an epidemic…and it’s got to stop.

I’ve thought a few methods that may help, and since I have a Ph.D in Awesomely Smart- you should listen:

1. Hide in a stall and scare the shit out of them. A few successful scares and they’ll be terrified to approach a sink. I’ll be like that sweet sour candy thing, I’ll scare the shit out of you before you use the bathroom and console you sweetly as I encourage you to wash up afterwards.

2. Dress up as a plumber and pretend to work on the sinks as they come in. “S’not working ma’am, move along.” And then as I hear the flush, quickly remove my coveralls and take postion at the sink in mid wash. When she asks where the plumber went I’ll just look at her weird.

3. The simplest idea I could come up with, and I feel it will be just as effective, is to stay in my stall and as I hear the excess begin I’ll just yell out “OMG, LIKE TOTES STOP. WORD?” That way, they won’t know it’s me because I would never seriously talk that way.

Ph.D in Awesomely Smart.

I was just wondering…when did people get so fucking clean?

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