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Fill Your Heart, Stuff Your Mouth.

February 14, 2013

Ancient native americans living in France discovered hundreds upon hundreds of years ago that certain foods have certain…delicious….aftereffects. Shall we explore their ancient discoveries?

1. Hot Chilies


Apparently these fire strips contain Capsaicin which amps up the blood pumping through that lovey dove heart. And you know what I always say, nothing says sexy like chugging a glass of milk as you cough-gag the heat away in front of your lover.

2. Asparagus


Blink…Blink. Well, I guess if you weren’t into that one fetish, cough, this wouldn’t turn out too bad. That said, I’m not sure I want cool smelling pee on the brain while I try to sexify my man. But, to each their own!

3. Oysters


What’s sexier than sucking a slimy thing from its shell? Not doing that. Please. For the love of Cupid.

4. Walnuts

Walnut Heart -HiRes

I’ve heard asphyxiation was a turn on for some edgy couples, and while I’d love to explore further- needing an epi pen for my boyfriend while I do a sexy number after shoving his mouth full of walnuts miiiiiiight not be what those S&M folks mean.

So, there you have it. If you can’t make sweet beast love after this post, then there’s truly no hope for you.

OH! And if you’re single? Don’t worry- put on a Disney movie or rom-com of your choice and know deep down that anyone celebrating love on this day is no princess and that prince charming fella is just like Cinderella’s carriage on V-Day. Our one day Prince will be turning back into a pumpkin very soon, and you, being single, don’t have to listen to his farts on the 364 days he isn’t charming.

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