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Second Helpings, Anyone?

September 13, 2012

In the spirit of Bloomberg controlling the lack of will power for those who think soda is a substitute for nutrition, I’ve scrounged up some of my best passive aggressive blurbs in these heavy, bloated times. ENJOY!

If Only Your Brain Were That Size: 

I’m not a big thinker, but with these very small steps that cost practically nothing I truly believe we can help the next age of Americans feel good about their heart failure, waist size and intelligence.

Just because you’re too stupid to see the direct correlation between fatty drinks, lack of control and wheezing doesn’t mean the government can just swoop in and try to help you. You don’t need help, natural selection is doing a fine job already.

I Was Just Wondering….Diet Food: 

Oh no Blonde chick. You won’t let us believe you’re naturally thin and some just don’t have that type of luck. Nope. You will show that hard boiled egg, the counted out almonds, the disgustingly healthy yogurt, the plain chicken breasts, the apple, the perfectly placed water. GO EFF YOURSELF WITH THAT PERFECTLY PLACED WATER.

No, sorry. Don’t do that. That was rude. Just stick it up your ass.

Why, why at 8am on a gosh-darn Thursday do you need to remind me that eating annoyingly healthy is the only way a stylish bankers garb will fit right? Just carry a damn treadmill with you on the train and go for a jog while I eat my donut. DO IT I DARE YOU!


Oh, the Lympics. Isn’t it just dandy?

Fine specimen from around the world achieving tasks of unbridled strength that prove what the mind and body can accomplish- all the while, here in America, you cheer our team on through Taco Bell stuffed mouths as you look at your running shoes from across the room while trying to convince yourself obesity doesn’t apply to you. Or the person you swallowed.

I Was Just Wondering…Sparkling Water: 

Seriously? It’s water, with bubbles, and no taste. It’s weird.

What’s worse is when people are like, it’s the only way I get my water intake.

Ok…so if they put bubbles in a gym would you go?

Let’s put bubbles in salad, then maybe America will deflate….OH, wait…carbonation causes bloating. But at least we can all say it IS really water weight.

I Was Just Wondering…Carl’s Jr: 

There were so many emotions chugging through me as I witnessed this masticating monstrosity. Do you know how weird it is to have a body image problem while also looking at what is causing America’s collective body image problem while also looking at what else is causing that image issue?

I wanted to cry and eat my feelings and then cry again because I ate that fucking Barn Burger.

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