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If Only Your Brain Were That Size…

September 5, 2012

I’ve been seeing this anthemic postcard/billboard all over the city, I believe it originated when society stopped using their eyes and the brain chemical that lets you know what you’re taking in is of no nutritional value…Oh I mean, when Bloomberg tried to tell you what size drink to buy.

This might not be the stand you’d think I’d take but here it goes: I agree.

Why do we need politics telling us how many ounces are acceptable to take in? Don’t you already do that with drugs? Soda isn’t a drug, it’s a fizzy liquid that makes people feel American- so you’re basically telling us how much patriotism to have.

I’m appalled. This is why I’ve created a list of other steps that will allow America to still be America, so Bloomberg- take notes:

1. Take the small sizes away. Obviously society won’t notice in the midst of chugging a 40oz Pepsi that you’ve taken the sizes nobody even buys and destroyed any evidence of them. People want the Big Gulp, nobody needs a measly 12oz can. Der. You could use the soda in 4 cans to make a normal size drink, I’m not only thinking American- I’m thinking green.

2. If all the government is concerned with is obesity, which is literally just humans evolving, why wouldn’t you adapt the world to fit them instead of telling us to devolve? Make the seats bigger, make the cup holders bigger, get rid of sizes 0-12 (they’ll be extinct soon anyways). Stop making the Super Sized Society feel guilty and secluded, it’s discrimination. It’s unAmerican.

3. Health food stores aren’t helping here, they don’t even carry those cards aforementioned! THE NERVE! I’m afraid to say it, but since nobody else will you’ve left me no choice- I think health stores might be the next “Red”…yikes, guys, it’s getting real. And not that I need to add lard to the grease fire but, they don’t even sell soda. Gasp, I know.

I’m not a big thinker, but with these very small steps that cost practically nothing I truly believe we can help the next age of Americans feel good about their heart failure, waist size and intelligence.

Just because you’re too stupid to see the direct correlation between fatty drinks, lack of control and wheezing doesn’t mean the government can just swoop in and try to help you. You don’t need help, natural selection is doing a fine job already.

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