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The Power Of (them over) You.

May 25, 2012

Hello and welcome to Earth!

I hope your flight went well, I see you have a carry on and checked luggage. I can’t imagine what that must have cost you.

*Perplexed look from intergalactic newcomer*

If that look is to say it cost less than your first born you might want to go back. No? You sure? Alright then, an alien of perseverance- I can value that. Here, I’ll take your bags. *hands bag over, nodding in appreciation* Oh no problem! That’ll be 25 dollars.

*Blank stare* 

I’m not sure if that face is from not knowing what dollars are or that you weren’t…given…currency? No problem, not an issue, rain check. *alien looks up at sky* Oh! No, it means…um….let’s continue shall we?

We very much appreciate your coming here to check the advances of civilization. When humanity first realized we were ants in a farm, it was quite frightening. I apologize first and foremost for the unwelcome committee, I mean, I was only personally a child at that point, but that doesn’t change my mortification. We’re obviously more advanced and caring than that.

Take our entertainment for instance. We want to make sure everybody gets a range, nobody should be watching the same service as the town next to them so we make sure only one cable option is offered to you, you deserve your very own- no other option- cable service. It’s about you. We charge an arm and a leg sure, but if you’re watching TV (no matter the service) what could you possibly be doing with an arm and a leg at that time? It makes no sense. What does makes sense is how, say Time Warner,  never changes. If you’re going to dedicate limbs to entertainment we want to make sure you have consistency and your services undivided attention. Sure, if your cable is wonky and it’s not living up to the payment of an appendage  you don’t have another option to switch to- you’re stuck. BUT  you have their attention. A whoooooooole customer service department to listen to and pretend to fix your problems so that you feel better personally. It wouldn’t be fair to charge the body parts we do if we didn’t give you one on one attention in your time of frustration.

The Power Of You…but more so the power of them, because they own your soul.

I’m sorry what? Oh, the frustration more or likely comes from the fact that the technology is horribly nonadvanced. You see, we have so much more to focus on in terms of humanity that cable is honestly on the lower rung of the caring latter. Facebook is upgraded tri-monthly and they couldn’t possibly be expected to lower themselves to Social Networking. But it makes sense to keep the cost high, they have to pay a lot of people to listen to civilians complaining about their privileges and I’m sure you can see how that would be exhausting.

You haven’t heard of Facebook? Really? Wow, ok… Well, it’s a website that allows you to be extremely important and self aware to hundreds of people you deem your personal friends. You tell them what you had for lunch, talk politics, take pictures of yourself and only yourself because the page is about you. If people want to be your friend they obviously know not to muddy your waters with images of themselves! Hahaha, the idea is just appalling. Sigh.

Hmph, I feel that look is judgmental. Of course we care about the people around us, of course we care about society and how we’re all interlinked. I’m sorry, I’m not laughing. The thing is, Mr. Alien, is that…those people, the ones we really do  care about- wouldn’t be anybody without having known us. You see? They chose me for a friend, so shouldn’t I make sure as much “me” is shoved down their social networking throats? Isn’t that the why of these sites?

I must say… your views are rather outdated. No offense, but you’re making me feel…things. Like this strange sensation in my head that is second guessing the ways I treat people. Is this mind sorcery?

I didn’t make the rules, Alien.

You’re upset about the baggage stuff aren’t you? I said I would cover the fee, it’s really a non-issue. Why a fee at all? Isn’t that obvious?

Humanity long ago created massive floating metal tubes to get you from point A to point B, that is nooooo easy task. Or cheap. We spent decades getting people to trust the idea, made it grandeur, an event to dress up for, a red carpet in the sky! *Alien murmurs ‘red carpet’in confusion* That’s an easy answer, it’s a bright red carpet used for famous people to walk down so everyone else knows how much more important they are than you.

So going back to flight, it’s not natural for people to understand how the machine works which makes it very natural to be untrusting. So we built it up, made it impossible not to want to use, gave you years and years to evolve the comfort it takes to step into a flying tube you know nothing about. And then we charged you for everything we had to give you free out of necessity. Bags weigh a plane down, and with humans averaging 150lbs per foot, we must account for the extra…science…used to get the plane up in the air with all that weight. I think that’s more than reasonable. We also found it a little silly that you got to sit with your flying partner for free, I mean where else can you sit by someone you’re traveling with at no cost? It’s unheard of. And there are plenty of bathrooms in the terminals, it’s not appalling that we charge you to use the planes loo. Look at the force of that flush,  energy isn’t free.

Look, you might not understand our ways but we don’t understand how you could possibly care and keep safe an entire civilization. Tomato, Tomato. No, I don’t want a tomato…it just means that..ugh forget it. Listen, we realized after walking this round rock for centuries that if you don’t make sure you’re as famous and self centered as possible- other people will be. And why would you want some strange you aren’t even close to knowing become more awesome or popular or special than you? It’d be down right embarrassing.

As for the fees you don’t seem to condone, well- we aren’t America.. *Cough* I mean Earth, for no reason.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Diane permalink
    May 25, 2012 3:35 pm

    Did I mention that our new Dish Network automatically records ALL primetime shows? You dont have to worry about setting up a recording for every little thing. Just Sayin

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