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50 Shades Of Green.

April 18, 2012

As Ambassador of Earth (there was a ceremony and everything) I must take a stand. I must implore the importance of being green. I must cast your eyes upon the REAL humans that truly help this rock of an Earth.

If you really want to help Mother Nature, who is currently living in a home with a nurse maid named Fauna who plays Gin Rummy with her after hours, you must do these things. YOUR WORLD DEPENDS ON IT.

1st step: Don’t have children.

He even has a gun, so you know he's not safe.

Don’t re-read that, you see what I said. NO KIDS! Not only will they just turn out to be self entitled, narcissistic asswipes because of something in the water lately but they will also aid ten-fold in ruining our Earth.

Ask yourself, are kids worth that forest being chopped down? Are they? Probably not.

I mean, I’m having kids obviously. But if all of you follow this hearty advice one kid from me won’t be that bad. So thank you.

2nd Step: Build a home from your junk and cars! 

Oh right, that looks so easy. HOW ARE WE NOT DOING THIS?

Because we all have cars sitting around and we don’t throw out or recycle our trash every week by NY state law. Well, if you want to save the environment you sure as shit will find junk cars and garbage… IT’S YOUR EARTHLY DUTY! Also, fly dust. It’s a must.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know if fly dust is actual flies crushed to oblivion. But I do know I won’t be making a house like this, I’m buying one. THAT is recycling to the extreme. Up-cycling. Boom.

3rd Step: Live off the land, effers!

This is real life. REAL life. Don't mind that government employee wandering around.

I mean duh. Why build plastic artificial homes when you can cut down your own trees. Who needs an evil corporate empire when we’ve all got one buried deep inside our souls! 

So go out, seek your plot of land and live off your own eco-friendly patch…Oh, but don’t be fooled. That cellphone you disconnected, the electricity you bid goodbye, the grocery store conglomerate you refuse to visit…it means nothing. You’re still a part of the system, my friend. That land is the governments, the same one that allows the destruction of nature and the creation of artificial foods and products. And you will have to pay The Man for living off the land, no amount of eco-know how will keep you from their clutches.

But by all means, plant a garden. And fuck the government.

See, it’s not that hard! These are very feasible, not at all ridiculous, means of going green.

Please report back to me with your eco-friendly ways. And remember:

No children!

Make your home out of cars! and flies!

Live on the land that is no longer yours to have! You may cut off grocery stores, electricity, cell phones and the lot. But you’re still being watched by The Man.

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