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I Was Just Wondering…

April 5, 2012

Where the fuck are you going, person who runs up the stairs at the speed of light disrupting traffic only to slow to a complete stop once you’ve reached the top?

Did you just challenge yourself?

Did you lose minutes to check a text on your walk to the subway and you must get it back or your very important life will erupt?

Did you decide to break a Guinness record as “Fastest Person To Be A Douchebag? I Mean A Stair Climber?”

Are you just a self centered asswipe?

My vote goes to the last.

Relax people. It’s technically Friday. The sun is beaming in an understatedly obnoxious way. It’s technically Friday. NBC has a great line up tonight. Did I mention it’s technically Friday? Slow the eff down. Smell the homeless people.

I’m sure your life is extremely busy and the subtle botox is hiding what I know to be stress lines from years and years of running up steps thinking you’re the business queen of the world- But I will trip you. I’ve been standing behind you for years physically restraining myself from pushing/tripping/punching/flat tire-ing your ass and I don’t think I can control myself much longer. The ulcers are forming fists that might do what I’ve been resisting this whole time because I, me, Erika has manners. But ulcers aren’t people that can be taught etiquette, they will do my dirty work. I promise.

I was just wondering, if you’re in such a hurry why not keep the pace once you’ve actually freed yourself from the stairway? Asshole.

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