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The Turtles Would Be Embarrassed: The Story of When I Could Bowl

April 3, 2012

I was a star. A champ. A role model to other 6 year olds who couldn’t get first place.

I was a bowler. For the Turtles.

That said, going out this last weekend on a bowling Groupon with Maki and Zach and Frankie should have been a slam dunk. Can you mix sport references? I should have been a strike dump. That sounds gross.

So we pre-game with wine, you know how we do. And venture out to Astoria Bowl. We get out shoes, order our fried food platter and a pitcher of coke (Frankie brought the flask) and get down to business. Frankie was Flasky. Zach was Stripes. Maki was Velcro. And Erika (me) was Braids- I was sporting a Katniss braid. The games were ready to begin. Not the Hunger Games, the bowling games…duh….

I was cocky, why not? I have a trophy that proves my wicked skills. Apparently though….nobody informed me that bowling was not like riding a bike. So much is, I thought this would be a no brainer. But allow me to clarify to save you weirdos from falling into my pit of despair: BOWLING IS NOT LIKE RIDING A BIKE.

It was awful. At one point the ball literally jumped from my fingers, there were children around-  I was a public safety issue. And I wasn’t drinking from the flask. The more sober I became the worse I played, the drunker they got the better they played. It was truly horrible. I was close to beating myself with pins, the towns people of the alley would have supported public humiliation on that level…My personal humility was not enough for these monsters.

The first game I didn’t see the nice side of 60. The last game I had nudged up to a 68. Utter failure as the rest of my party exceeded the hundreds. **Shakes fist in the air at the injustice**

I still stand by the fact that I needed to “warm up”…it took six years to get to my level of talent, they expected me to play like a champ after an 18 year hiatus? Puhlease.

I will come back. I will Lebowski this bullshit. I will come back.

**looks longingly at tiny trophy**

I will come back.

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