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Fire Balls and Evil Bugs: That’s Only the Ticket Line

March 19, 2012


Happy 1st Annual Theatre Games. May the odds be ever in your favor!

Fuck yes. It’s coming. I know you want it. Plant Knowledge, check. Archery, check. Braiding technique, check. Ass Kick Boots, check. Hot Blonde and Brunette to chose from, check.

Ready to murder those in line to be the only one in Astoria to see the Hunger Games, effin check.

I was late on the Children Murder Series wagon, but that doesn’t lessen my excitement…much to the dismay of those around me.

When I first heard of the Hunger Games my first though was, um…yeah right. For some reason the concept conjured images of gladiators and arena’s filled with screaming fans- I’d already seen Gladiator.

And then I became an unsuspecting viewer of the trailer…and my heart stopped. And then it started again because if not I’d die. And then I wouldn’t have been able to read the series in 3 weeks flat…cough.

It was a first in my life that I saw a movie and went, I have to read that book. Which I’m sure the first reaping of Hunger Game fanatics love. Harry Potter was a curse for my movie/reading ability and I was stunned to find myself foaming at the mouth to read these books.

And then there’s the movie.

Here’s my angle for being the final Tribute in the Astoria Lowes Theatre.

Eliminate all the kids that only come up to my hip. They can hide under the seats of things, so you can’t trust them. Their parents are next, the distraught will be so horrible they’ll be easy targets. (I actually feel horrible writing that line, now I know how Collins feels.)

Next I get my tickets, I might be a Tribute out for blood but I’m no thief.

There is the line, full of excited kids (and adults) who only had popcorn, soda and smart phones. I’ve come equipped with the same, but adding in 3 King Size Snicker bars. This tactic is to get the mayhem of running patrons stuck on clumps of caramel goodness, and don’t worry…they won’t be there for awhile. YUCK YUCK YUCK!

Ok, I’ve cleared the line but unfortunately I wasn’t the only one prepared for this fight. I’ve got two teeny boppers with Team Gale shirts and a rogue fan who has incredible agility as he throttles himself over theatre seats.

I blind one teeny bopper with butter and turn my popcorn bag over the others head. I bang their skulls together, out like a light.

Now for the Rogue Fan and I to get down to business. He might be a climber, but I’m a runner and I have about twenty pounds on him. I ascend the steps in a sprint as he dashes over two rows to get higher. He makes a mad dash for the left side of the theatre, but he’s not eyeing the exit. He’s eyeing a massive soda.

I know his move and think quick.

I fake him out, run towards him as he chucks the soda into the aisle. My feet are like frogs, thinking fast and hopping aboard a seat as I flip myself down to the next aisle and pouncing the Rogue Fan with teeth bared. I stab a straw into his neck.

With one final smile, and one final grunt and twitch from Rogue, I declare myself Theatre Tribute. I WIN!

….I will say this, the dead bodies laying around make for an incredibly creepy experience. I would suggest leaving a few fans.

Happy Hunger Games, Weirdos!

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