News! Worth! Newsing!
BREAKING NEWS! Hipsters are running Manhattan.
News came out in Huff today about the increase of 7-Eleven’s presence in the tiny city where dreams are cemented just out of reach. Apparently…apparently…this is a problem. Really? Because when I’m crying about my broken dreams a Slurpee seems to fit the bill. Let’s see what the take is:
When EV Grieve posted news of the chain’s new East Village outpost, commentors and neighborhood residents lambasted 7-Eleven’s arrival saying, “It’s official, 7-Eleven’s are the new bedbugs.” Another succinctly lamented, “the horror, the horror.”
What the fuck did a nice, clean convenient store do to you? Oh, did all you ironic t-shirt wearing mofo’s find the scraggly cat sitting on the Snapple case you’re reaching for suddenly endearing? What about the cashier that stares as if you are on his personal hit list? He a nice guy all of a sudden?
What does 7 Eleven say?
Vice president of real estate at 7-Eleven insisted, “Between the number of folks living in Manhattan, coupled with the worker population, there’s significant demand and opportunity.”
And what did this unbias journalist think of that statement?
Mmmm, real professional. Apparently the “horrors” of clean, responsible establishments don’t stop there.
Perhaps even more disturbingly, 7-Eleven’s city-wide expansion may also include “working with existing bodega owners to persuade them to transform their businesses into 7-Elevens.” Sort of like asking Joe’s Pizza to volunteer to become a Pizza Hut.
Don’t think the fact this chain might put “mom and pop” places on the outs has missed me. I get that point, but I also don’t like sweating profusely just grabbing paper towels around the corner. Or feeling like I interrupted someone of high importance by placing my items on the torn and pocketed counter. It’s the hipster jackasses that find this stuff acceptable because their apartments mirror the image. Just because you don’t bathe or mop doesn’t mean I need to get contaminated for a peach Snapple.
Oh, and while all you New York Hipsters fight the horrible fight of a 7 Eleven infiltration, should we just ignore the fact that Olive Garden in Manhattan has a 2 hour wait consistently? Or that your hot spot Brooklyn Bagel is a massive chain? Oh and there’s another Starbucks.
There is so much to fight against, so much to stand up for that to get into the list would become some political manifesto. Just because a 7-Eleven is moving on up doesn’t mean you have to go there or even care it exists… and I’ll try to forget I saw you walk out of there with a coffee and blueberry donut the week it opens.