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Upgrade U…To A Neck Brace.

November 30, 2011

I hadn’t worked out in two days as I worked out so awesomely on Saturday that my body was all “We’re too awesome to do this for a bit!” (awesome obviously translates to OH MY GOD THIS HURTS)

Last night I fought through random ass humidity and rain to bounce myself to the land of sweat and muscle. A lone treadmill was available so I claimed it. Lie. There was another one on the end but I was all, I don’t know if I want that one so I’ll take this one in the middle. These moments happen a lot to me and I never learn to go with the first fucking thing I see.  About 3 minutes into this process I’d realized I took the treadmill next the only man in the gym who simultaneously didn’t wear deodorant and flapped his arm like a penguin trying to fly. A smelly horribly sweating penguin. 

I get on, start my incline at 8 and go to a speed of 4. I get my Zune out and try to decide what I’d like to kill myself to, I have a serious problem with picking adequate work out music but I’m working on it. At one point I get a spark of inspiration and decide to turn on Beyonce! Mmmmm grind it girl!

I encountered a serious problem. Beyonce is dangerous on a treadmill. Freakum Dress comes on and during the end vocal freakout I almost mouthed the words to the ceiling as I look up in a moment of awesomeness causing me to veer dangerously to left. Put A Ring On It almost had me flying off the running machine while doing the famous “Put A Ring On It Hand Motion” with left arm akimbo. Upgrade U came on and I bout upgraded to a fucking coffin.

It was then I knew I had to leave… also I’d reached my 1.5 miles and didn’t have the muscle capacity quite back for abs.

My danger didn’t stop there. Ring the Alarm came on during my walk home. I had a swagger in my step thanks to bounce support of my sneakers. I was draped in  black tights and black sweatshirt. My hair was in a messy bun. I was ready for a fight, obviously. The song gave me the strength of a woman, I felt right there should a protest for Women’s Rights in early 1900 garb walk by I would join them with a fervor. Should Hilary Clinton walk by I would tell her she IS pretty and totally not butch at all (that lie I would repent for later when I wasn’t so pumped). Should the kidnappers of Ms. Hearst take me away and make me rob a bank I’ll totes tell the world I agree with them…. maybe that was a bad example.

My point is… don’t listen to Beyonce on a treadmill.

Actually, do. Because it’s really fun, but only if you live life on the edge like I obviously do.

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