Given it’s the capper of the Halloween week I chose to do a secret food review unbeknownst (yes, my vocabulary is impressive for a butt licker.) to my mom.
First, the mouth watering -paw melting chocolates: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? YOU’RE ALL GOING TO STAND BY AS I TRY TO EAT CHOCOLATE. For shame. Tuck those tails in between your legs now and walk the fuck away. Murderers.
Fruity things: I don’t know what these are but they stick to my teeth, smell like the place Mom gets her body water from and come in boxes smaller than my front paw. Also… that box over there looks like Rx pills. Can’t be safe.
Suckers: I don’t have lips. So.
Hard Candies: I licked these around the floor for awhile but I could never get the little shits in my mouth. It was fun for like, some time, but not worth work. I’d prefer Chocolate………………….I’m waiting for someone to say, Bad Dog.
Fruit: Are you serious? It’s one day, ONE DAY, where candy is allowed and you still have to stick to the effing fruit. I don’t eat fruit unless it’s baked in dog biscuits. You’re the same people who put floss and toothbrushes in bags, like we don’t already own them. Mom brushes my teeth all the time; you stranger don’t know me… YOU’RE NOT MY OWNER!
Tootsie Rolls: What the woof are those? Seriously, anybody? What is it?
I guess that’s it for popular Halloween treats, I had fun sneaking through the pumpkin basket Mom left on the floor…if only I had thumbs to clean it up. I’ll go take my innocent stance before she gets home.