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Fromage Homage.

November 1, 2011

(Because of an alien in my uterus building a community I’m not completely…non zombie like….to write as awesome a post as ya’ll deserve. Enjoy this left over from an old blog!)

I have come across the most astounding story. One of hope, bravery, consistency, and sprinkled somewhere (I don’t quite see it) a bit of psychosis. Say the ‘Doctors’. Honestly, when I read it, I just thought one word….YES.

I knew I had to meet this woman. I just HAD to! But I can’t because the ‘doctors’ say she’s in a psych ward and her identity will remain secret due to patient-doc confidentiality. Wa wa, I said to the ‘doctors’ face. And then I did a quick motion with my hand distracting him so that I could run past him into the psych ward and find this superhero of a woman. But he caught me, along with 3 other very large floor men (which I thought to be a little extreme), and threw me out of the building, arms flailing.
One day i will track her down and have her sign my boob. But for now, I’ll spread her fighting story to all that want to hear it. And upon hearing, maybe you too will join me in my quest for
A woman in Germany was rushed to the hospital under the ruse that she was giving birth. When ‘doctors’ cut her open they “uncovered a sodden and moldy mass of what they later determined to be several bricks of cheddar cheese bound together with twine.” I know what you’re all thinking right now….awesome right? It gets to be even more of a tear jerker. Just wait.

After her delivery of a 6.7 oz bouncing baby blocks of cheese she was submitted for psychiatric treatment. What? You just took a cheeses mom away from it right after birth? What kind of ‘doctors’ are you? The “DOCTOR” kind apparently. Shameful. Unfortunately her submission for treatment of silly brain is where I started the story, i.e. getting thrown out of the hospital. But this story actual begins as all babies do. Conception.
Baby cheese was believed to be conceived (that could be a rap) like any other, by somehow stuffing it up her vagina. Oh yes, that is where bravery comes into the picture. You have to be fucking Bra-a-a-ave to go tying twine together and sticking 4 blocks of cheese up your vag to simulate a growing womb. Fuckin A. If that isn’t the definition of brave, I don’t know what is. So Cheese Mom starts the maternal process, she was even due for a baby shower before the whole labor thing happened. I wonder if she would have served cheese balls there, is that too risqué? A little inappropriate? I get it. But really, what’s a party without cheese balls?

Anywho, she had neighbors and friends all ready and excited for the delivery of this wonderous cheese child. Actually, I think everyone, with the exception of her and her cheese child, had no idea what was going on and thought she was probably pregnant with a human baby. But what’s the difference? *shrug* That’s where consistency comes into play. To walk around daily, with 4 blocks of cheese up your vag telling everyone you meet that you’re expecting a baby and then accept their congratulations and gifts without so much as a drop of sweat. Consistency, folks. Consistency.


The hope in the story comes now. I really fuckin hope with all my heart that I find this woman so that I can talk with her privately (and then post it on facebook) about her choices in parenting cheese, the process of carrying the cheese and then tragically losing her cheese and being thrown into a psych ward. I mean, why in this world is a woman allowed to have EIGHT BABIES without a job or any steady income, but a lonely woman in Germany can’t have ONE cheese baby?
I’m sorry to end this Tuesday on a sad note. But I do have hope, OH I DO HAVE HOPE that I will find this woman and bring home a happy ending. Unless due to countless treatments of electro shock she succumbed to drooling and talking in jibberish to pillow people.

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