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Pack Your Knives, We’re Going to Gun Country.

October 26, 2011

Top Chef is heading to Texas. Cooking in the Promise land. Dicing across the Dixie. Pitting in the Lonestar. Roasting in Red River territory. Why hasn’t someone stopped me yet.

I enjoy Top Chef. I mostly enjoy it at 630 am, or any Bravo show for that matter, before entering the “grind”. Not like grinding herbs as they would on Top Chef, more like grinding my brain into crumblies.

I have a motive here, I’m not just hyping Bravo for this nifty ad they put right here———————————> JUST KIDDING! Who really looked? Be honesty. Ok, wait. That was a typo, the honesty. But when I think about it, Be Honesty is a really great mantra. “Be honesty (unless you’re talking about the portion you had), Be honesty (unless you want more time in a small bar bathroom, just tell your insecure friend she looks fine.), Be honesty (unless, and let’s be honest, it’s for everyone’s best interest).

I’m rambling as part of the theme for this Ramblin piece of blogart. TOP CHEF TEXAS! I’m sure there will be plenty of awesome culinary cohorts quickly cracking through Quickfires and foaming their way to Top title…But might I Bravo, should you see this which is…highly unlikely….make a few suggestions.

Tracking, Tipping, Killing, and Dismembering a cow in a set time limit. It would be the bloodiest, most slightly demented challenge of the show BUT this is Texas lil bitches. Get over it, or Get under it. (that’s not a real Texas saying, I kinda just made it up.) ((I don’t think it makes sense))

Hog Wrestling and Pitting. But isn’t this eerily similar to the aforementioned? Um, no idiot. Have you seen the difference between approaching a cow and running after a pig. Google it. I personally don’t want to see a dead pig being sodomized, I think Ghaddafi rebels have that covered. OOOOOOOOOOOOH BOYEEEE, i just went political! But I’ll take one for the pit lovin team bc Texans are gonna wanna see this.

Operation Quickfire. Here me out: You know the game Operation? You hit the side while trying to grab an organ or some miscellaneous tool he swallowed as complications from his Habitual Eating Disease and it BUZZZES at you. Since us Texans love the death penalty lets take a challenge old school and have them cook attached to an electric chair? They’re given several cutting techniques and should they hit outside their cutting board ZZZZZZZBBBFHGLS:KNFLZZZZZ. We’ll keep it low dose so the challenge runs smoothly.

All of these truly express the ideals of Texans. Omigod, could you imagine if that were true? *Blinks awkwardly*

I’m excited for this season. Hearing my own language, seeing the world I grew up in, hopefully viewing some of the above thoughts on an unforgivable season? Don’t Mess With Texas, but have fun messing with Top Chef Texas. YEEHAW!

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