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News! WORTH! Newsing!

March 4, 2015

Who hasn’t looked down at a picture of themselves, a snap shot in time where you felt happy and carefree, to uncover a photo so horrifying you silently scream as you attempt to delete it? Who knew faces could even make faces like that.

You question your looks and all the times you felt you looked okay in the dark reflection of a subway train window. You try to blame lighting or no lighting, it was your “bad side” only it was straight on.

But don’t fret, science came through for our narcissistic tendencies. Good ole science.

It’s official. Drinking wine does make you beautiful, even if your companion is sober.
According to the study, the photos taken after one drink were rated as more attractive than the sober photos.

Har har… good one, random article. Leave the jokes to me and my “one wine in” pretty face.

But, seriously. Science said it. THIS IS NEWS. One glass of wine makes you insanely prettier. I’ve always thought the wine fountain at Italian weddings smelled faintly Fountain of Youth-y, now science backs me.

Women everywhere! Down that glass and bask in the afterglow of youth and attractiveness.

This interesting new enlightenment makes sense. Women have to put up with a lot on a daily basis. To name a few:

-Deal with men

-Deal with kids

-Deal with other adults

-Hide or suppress farts because women don’t do that

-Wear inks and powders dangerously close to our eyeballs

-Wear shoes that are dangerously close to stilts and look good in them

-Bleed monthly unless you’re

-Growing human beings

…Listen, the list goes on. The point is, most of us probably look constipated most of the time and we think this is our normal face. So, when we’re asked to smile, it comes out like this:

That one glass of wine takes scary to relaxed in the 3 seconds it takes you to gulp it down (while hidden in your pantry pretending to look for snacks for your toddler).

But…with all things come balance. Reaching for that second glass, are we?

Think again.

‘It suggests that, if it’s true, people are rated as more attractive once they’ve consumed a small amount of alcohol,’ the study’s senior researcher, Marcus Munafò, told LiveScience.

‘But if they go on to consume more alcohol, they’re no longer rated as more attractive.’

Attempting to fill’er up once more and you go from HOT to NOT real quick. Classy to trashy. Pretty to gritty. And uh….Girly to….*sips wine*…..not girl….y.

Alright. So there you have it.

The bottom line is this- take all your “ladies night” pictures after the first glass and give your phones to the designated phone keeper to ensure your ugly 2-3-4 wines-in face won’t pop up tagged in Leslie’s “Girlzzzzz” album.

Freakum’ Dress: Theory

February 27, 2015

Alright. We know ‘the dress’. #dressgate. What color do you see? OH MY GOD I DON’T SEE WHAT YOU SEE. WHAT DOES THE WORLD EVEN MEAN?

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I’m pretty sure I’m accurately describing at least 3/4 of the population yesterday.

The snapchats passed back and forth from my friend, Erin, and I were of Cloverfield level terror and cinematography.

Facebook’s face melted.

Nobody trusted anyone ever again.

But while there are plenty of theories going around regarding “science” and “logic” and “facts”…I have a theory of my own.

I know the government thought it was being coy. But their plot is as clear as that dress is blue. And that was the point, wasn’t it?

You know those scenes in movies when someone says, “We didn’t see that guy shoot the other guy, right? We didn’t see it, riiiiight?”  and the other guy responds, “Oh right…yeah…we didn’t see nuh’in.”

The government of the Unite States of America just had 75% of the dress viewing population mentally respond with, “we didn’t see nuh’in.”

The gov tells you that dress is white and gold? Why question it? Your mind is so easily moldable you might as well envision the president maniacally laughing in his oval (do you see oval or do you see square?) office.

But i see both! Good for you, you’re one step closer to escaping the nation size, mind controlled army the government is slowly forming. As you long as you question everything always for the rest of your life and never trust another form of anything, you’re fine. Phew, right?

Those of you who see only gold and white? Well…have fun being a mindless human drone. And don’t find comfort in the fact that maybe you’ll be fighting for a good cause, the gov doesn’t need human bodies for a good cause- they need you for world domination. But you know what? You won’t even know. Key word, mindless. I’ll have the hardest time of all.

I’m now being pit against the government and its mindless (you) army. Hunger Games, Divergent, Saved by the Bell…it’s all prepared me for this moment. And I won’t hesitate going Black&Blue all over your asses.

Hear that GOVERNMENT??? I’m immune to your mind games.  I’m the Katniss wearing a blue dress pin that everyone else sees as gold. My name will be whispered across the plains and dress signs will appear spray painted blue (or gold?) on buildings abandoned by all the mindless white/gold people.

I’ll lose friends. My spouse is dead to me. Luckily, my daughter is too young to even know what color is so she’s safe for now.

I didn’t know last night was the turn of the revolution. I’m sure nobody saw it would come in the form of an ugly ass dress. But we don’t make the rules, we just argue over what color they are.

I Can Has Style: Oscar 2015

February 23, 2015

Oh Gosh! Another year, another gathering of very rich famous people handing out tiny people cast in gold. So glamorous.

I know most people find these shows mega boring, but I sincerely love them. Fashion, jokes and celebrities using celebrity award shows for honest and humble moments. S’cool.

But obviously, we’re here today for one reason. Day Drinking.

Oh, I mean: Fashion.

You Can Ring My Embellishment

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Whether you like to embellish the shit out of something or just swipe a streak of diamonds on a flat canvas- embellishment went a long way last night. Most of them embellished their dresses but J Lo, loving her barely there lifestyle, allowed her skin to become an embellished dress that she’ll have to shed once the clock tolls midnight. From firecrackers to studded rocker garb, from elegant to Lady Gaga, embellishments stood out on the red carpet.

Red on Red on Red

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Nothing says Red Carpet like wearing red. And boy, do they pull it off. The color, not their clothes. That’s inappropriate. The weird bead things on Mrs. Adam Levine were fine, but Dakota Johnson was like a knife in a perfectly accented sheath and we didn’t need a safe word taking it in…..*checks off 50 Shades joke*. Forget the ladies though, Selma actor David Oyelowo was bloody brilliant in a red tux. Lorelei Linklater is a strange bird and she shows it off well in an asymmetrical, red accented number. Not sure it’s my fave but there’s something about it. But now, we bow down to the Queen. She wore red in Gone Girl, blood color does her justice, but swapping blood for this textured lace revelation had me snapping, “You Go(ne) Girl”.

Up To My Neck In Dresses!

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Necks. Necks came out in fill swing last night. *enter gif of giraffes hitting each other with their necks* Whether it was a high neck collar, a statement piece or a lower than low neckline- I appreciate the focus on the forgotten erogenous zone of fashion. Eyes up here fellows, to the delicate head shelf that can pull off turquoise or diamonds with grace.

A Textured Affair

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Sometimes you see a dress that gives you the feels. And then you have the dresses you literally want to feels. And last night? I was like a 16 year old on ecstasy, I wanted to feels so many fabrics! From jewels to two tones to cutouts, the textures were for those with finer palates. Or, if you’re like Naomi Watts, finer brickwork. Whatever your phalange fancy dreams are made of.

Famous Boy Blue

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Oh boy! The Blue Hues! I was anything but blue watching these fine mens showing out in a classic play on basic black. Whether you play a terminal teen or a cosmo genius. Whether you have long hair or one name- blue worked. You….BLUE…me away. (I know…I’ll just leave.)

BUT WADDABOUT WORST?

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Garish Giuliana. Goopink Gwen. Fancy Piñata Moore. ‘Nuff said.

And now for my BESTIE:

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I mean….It’s as obvious as the plot twist in Gone Girl. We all saw that…coming…right? Cough. But seriously, this dress is perfection. The color, the cut, the texture- Rosamund brought it. She didn’t win an Oscar but she won my Best Dressed, the highest honor in a barely fashion blog.

BUT…..I’d also like to give an honorary to a non celebrity:

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I don’t know what it is about this dress but Mrs. Redmayne’s choice stayed with me all night. It’s simple and interesting, very complimentary and deserves acknowledgement. Bravo wifey of a deserved Oscar winner.

Zen In The Art of Elevator Tetris

January 29, 2015

Let me preface this post by saying I’ve been up since 5am…and right before that, I was up at 330am. Go inside yourself for a moment and feel what that must feel like. May I proceed?

 

Come on, people! They’re elevators! You’ve literally encountered them your whole life (unless of course you didn’t and to that I say, Welcome to America!). How do not understand the deft maneuvering of elevator file-ins? 

There is nothing worse than knowing exactly where you should be so that you’re adequately out of the way, only to ram smack into the back of someone because they chose the worst spot ever. Rage…rage that has absolutely nothing to do with the 330/5am thing….rage that has nothing to do with the woman taking up an entire pole on the train like her shift at Wiggles just started…rage that has nothing to do with the natural phenomenon of turning into a human revolving door every day so that you long for the tessellated perfection of filing into an elevator with like minded adults.

To you, man with the large headphones who stood in the dumbest place ever on the elevator this morning, I hope you never get challenged to a game of Tetris- you failed life’s challenge and stacked the long blocks one on top of the other.

One Flap Forward

September 3, 2014

THIS IS A REAL THING!

Oh, you need a preface. Right.

Frankie, my beloved, loads up a toilet paper roll with the flap hanging out in the back. Now, imagine a world where someone installs your dispenser across from the toilet instead of next to it. Got it in your head? Good. You can go ahead and imagine what an extra 1.5 inches would mean for someone sitting on the toilet swiping to grasp the flap that’s hanging out in the back.

If you want an extra fun picture…imagine this while I was 8 months pregnant. I might have squished Corina down a few inches with how often I had to fight to grab the flap.

I try and explain this to Frankie but he doesn’t seem to understand the logic.

And then this happened.

The sole purpose Facebook exists.

This changes everything.

Actually, it probably doesn’t. And I don’t blame him, the last thing I want to think about is where the flap on my TP is. But I sit to relieve myself WAY more than he does, so the second I reach for the paper and realize I’ll have to play this game:

It kills my soul a little.

And it’s not just the reaching. I reach, swipe, reach, swipe, grab hold of the flap, get excited, pull, only get one square. Back to reaching, swiping, excited I grasped the flap and then put too much strength in it so I yank the dispenser off…unroll an entire roll….fling the holder across the bathroom….defeated.

This game I play a lot. It probably takes up AT LEAST 25 minutes a week. A WEEK. Do you know what I could with an extra 25 minutes a week?

Mayhap not reach for toilet paper and play this damn game?

I Can Has Style AGAIN?!?!?! (Emmy’s 2014)

August 26, 2014

I’ll stand by while your head explodes from so much awesome fashion.

Done?

K.

The Emmy’s!!!! I was giddy as a school girl last night, watching all that fashion and talent struttin’ its stuff.

It wasn’t 2 minutes in that I already had a page full of notes on some really stellar pieces.

Shall we begin? *twirls mustache*

In The Red of Night 

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It was like a couture blood bath on the red carpet last night. Too much? Well too bad! Red was splashed and dashed all over the place and my blood boiled with excitement. Very few red dreads failed to please, but I put some of the my favorites/interesting choices above. You had the classic lines like Dreyfus, Klum and Aduba- but Driver drove it home with an embellished neckline and classic cut. Hendricks went a bit garish in my opinion, I didn’t think so seeing her on the TV, but the photos don’t present the fabric well. Cuoco grew on me, the 80’s tule twist wasn’t a big bang for me in the beginning but it fits her well. January took it to new level in a vintage inspired number, keeping it interesting but high fashion classic. Claire….well, the thought is what counts but no ugly crying over it, k?

Well, That’s…..Neat…

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These weren’t….the worrrrrrst picks…but….I mean…..aren’t they like….neat? That’s the only thing I can say about them. I don’t like them, I don’t not like them…..But the lines….and uh…the symmetry…and like….stuff….meh.

Let’s Paint The Town! Or The Dress! 

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Nothing says dress like….paint? *squinty eyes* Seems like a common theme last night showed celeb’s artsy fartsy side with painting inspired garb. Each dress was a canvas and while some took to the paint look well…others just looked…like doctor office decor. Bowen’s dress was nice, the picture not so much- this painting doesn’t like blowing in the wind. Dockery didn’t make a mockery out of modern lines and block colors, the dress isn’t my favorite but it’s easy on the eyes. Taissa Farmiga sharpened the competition with a sketched out bodice number that I happened to love, pencil this one in for a favorite. And uh, annoying aunt from Breaking Bad? You’re breaking my heart with that stock painting number.

So Many Dresses, Amiwhite?

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I’m not a fan of white, one wrong shadow and you’re looking rather….unfortunate. But with spanx and a stylist, last night proved the color a worthy one. From pant suits to fringe to glittering crystals, this color choice competes with the best of the red. But that last lil lady in the lineup- boom. That dress is straight up perfection.

Tip My Hat To The Top 5: 

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Laaaaaarvs me these babies. The lines, the cuts, the fabrics, the women inside the fabrics. GAH! I just want to touch them but not in a creepy way….you know what, maybe even creepy, because these dresses bring out something weird and carnal in me. What do you think? You like ‘em?

Sigh. You’re Dress Choice and List Consequence.

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I’m as inclined as your hem line to hate this choice.

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Because bubble gum.

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Because crushed velvet and knots.

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Nothing says a dress like looking as if you were caught in a red gnat cloud.

 

And now….for the best part…..BEST DRESSED!!!!

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Lizzy Caplan. Mmmm mmmm mmmm. It was tough but the moment I saw this gazelle of an actress, one of my favs on screen ladies, grace the carpet with her perfectly clad body- I knew she was mine to have. Creepy again? K. I’ll stop. But just look at her in all the glory of cut out bodices and perfectly pooling hems. You’re a vision, my dear. Now strip out of that ensemble and get back to experimenting with the horizontal tango.

There were so many choices last night that I didn’t even get to touch on some of them, but if you want to review what I missed just click here

I Can Has Style: 2014 VMA’s

August 25, 2014

Needless to say, last night’s show held a lot of meat.

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Bottoms up to the opening of the show.

That act won’t be the butt of any jokes today.

The show stopping first act was definitely not a bummer.

Okay, I’m done.

Watching anything MTV, especially live, is pretty much the equivalent to a glittery root canal. But I knew it would not disappoint when it comes to style.

Video Music Awards Horror Story: 

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Step right up! Step right up! Get lost in a world of denim and studs, grills and cornrows. You will not leave disappointed once you’ve met: The What The Fuck Is That Thing Man? *enter carnival music theme*

 

Back to Black

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Short, long, leather and lace, skin or no skin- black gave the finger to basic and rocked the VMA’s last night. You can go wrong with black, but these ladies of the night made the right moves shimmying into these wardrobe pieces.

Miley, of course, branded herself with bandeaux and skin to show. One of them Kardashian folk took Miley’s idea but classed it up. Beyonce is Beyonce, Yonce, Bey, Queen B- she totes woke up like that. And Ariana had one less problem to count in that va va voom leather mini and boots.

 

The Colors, DUKE! The Colors! 

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And where there’s black, color will shine. I’m not sure I’m sold on all of these choices, coughcoughTaylorcoughcoughcrotchpants. But the colors were there and ain’t nothin wrong with a rainbow.

I loves Chloe’s top, chic and all that good stuff. The smeared painted smock on some girl I don’t know worked really well, the movement was beautiful. Iggy went biggy in a skin tight metallic silver that I’m sure is really her actual skin, Iggy came naked and we were all fooled. She’s just like…..with those curves and….drool. Taylor….Just like….put some pants on. But the color is nice.

Little People in Big People Clothes

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Apparently children got all fancied up in their parent’s clothes last night. Oh wait, this just in…those are adults and apparently the choice was on purpose. I don’t think I need to go into further detail about the tents people above are wearing. They look a damn fool.

No. Go Home. 

And our favorite part- the people who just went horribly, horribly wrong. Let’s a have a moment of silence as we remember the celebrities who tried to get creative and use their own brains instead of paying someone to do it for them.

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Blink….Blink

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*lip curl*

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I mean, sure- trash bags work.

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Nothing like wearing a glittery saddle bag, amiright?

And I know I normally have a best dressed but honestly….I was so captivated but the shit show that is MTV, I’m not sure I really gave anyone enough attention. I guess if I have to give someone the title, it’s Beyonce. She was best dressed in the bestest performance/publicity stunt to further convince me of her perfect business arrangement with Jay Z.

Brava, Yonce. Brava.

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