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Time Machines Exist (Within Pleated Slacks).

June 12, 2014

An open letter to a new employee:

 

Dear Mr. Shirt tucked in and pleated slacks wearing headphones I wore in 3rd grade,

Congratulations on your new role here within this company. But a few questions:

Why are you wearing an office outfit from the mid 90′s? Who is allowing you to wear an office outfit from the mid 90′s? Have you met ear buds?

While your clothes are a pressing matter, the intensity in your eyes disturbs me in an “American Psycho” context- and the sheer fact you dress as a character from the book gives weight to my imagination.

I’m not sure if this is all a part of your master plan to fit into the norm by appearing as if you don’t. “Nobody will suspect the man in mid 90′s office apparel, he’s just listening to Third Eye Blind on his cushioned mid 90′s headphones.”

Well played my friend. But I know you know I’ve caught on.

I found you creeping around a corner the other day and I blatantly commanded that you, “stop being creepy”. I believe I’ve been added to your list but I accept that. I’m exposing you now on this blog and it won’t be hard for people in this office to find you….you’re wearing pleated slacks. And you tuck your shirts in too far, so it’s not cool, it’s slightly creepy.

I have a good view of you from my desk and I’ll do what I can to keep this office safe from whatever tricks you have up your pleats. I’ll see if you hide a chainsaw in your desk. And maybe you’re not a serial killer, maybe I’m weirder for staring at you from across the office because you creep me out. But whatever. I’m a martyr. I’ll fall on my weirdo sword to keep others safe.

Perhaps your schtick is working. Perhaps you’re not a serial killer but someone from the past that has come to the future to set something right. Perhaps you’re confused by iPhones and straighter/tighter office pants even though you somehow engineered a time machine. I don’t know. 

But I’m equally intrigued/terrified. And I’m equally  invested in my desire for you to wear your shirt not as tucked in.

Sincerely the girl who told you stop being creepy,

YMWIK

I Can Has Style: OSCARS 2014!!!!

March 3, 2014

Holy haute couture! The Oscars happened last night and boy was it long! I mean, great!

In all honesty, I didn’t think it was awful but I also cleaned up poop, puke and breast fed during the show so it livened things up. I guess that’s what you get when you invite Lindsey Lohan over. ZING!

Anywho, let’s get all up in those seam lines from last night and lightly touch on HOW I WAS 100% ACCURATE ON WINS LAST NIGHT. cough. I’m humble.

Birthday Suits and Necking:

bielnude catenude sarahnude

Don’t be prude, be nude! The color of naked was a major trend last night. I believe it was symbolic for the thespians coming bare and raw to accept golden statues for being paid liars. Sorry, I mean extremely talented paid liars.

lupitaneck hudsonneck charlizeblackSome opted for neck nudity instead of the color. And boy did they plunge deep in the trend. See what I did there? On top of exposing breast bones and bubbies, the styles and colors picked for such a statement were statements of their own. Lupita was GAHgeous in that lovely blue, Kate Hudson was down right sexy in her classic but modern cut, and Charlize took the cake (but didn’t eat it because she had to fit in that dress).

Cl-Cl-Classics Ya’ll 

jlawclassic amyclassic

I always  love me the Classic category, while it takes balls to show up in something showy, it takes brains to step out in something classic and still make a statement. JLaw and Amy Adams played the modern twists best on the throwback styles, but only one knocked ‘em down…Oh wait, that was just JLaw tripping.

Jewels, Metals and Boddesses

kristenbodice kellyembellish

gagabodice annemetal angelina

Metallics have been a trend now for a few years of Red Carpets, and I have to say the past years have shown the style off better. Angelina, unfortunately, meddling in metals did not appeal to me this year. I felt the cut was matronly but the idea was there. Anne Hathaway is getting a tad too thin, in my opinion, but her studded halter dress did play well to the theme of metallics.  A few of the nudes could shimmy into the gem’d out dresses category but Kelly Osborne’s play on it was downright lovely. And finally, the Bodice Bodesses of last night were Kristen Bell and Gaga. Gaga could have easily won this category if it weren’t for the over done makeup and pink scarf- I get what you’re doing but that dress should have shown alone. Appealing to the squishy new mom in me, I loved Kristen stepping out in a corset style gown with a classic twist. The eye follows it well and that baby weight was left off the red carpet.

Goo Goo Gah Gah Gowns

preggo2 preggo1 preggo3

One thing I was not expecting to trend last night was Preggo Bellies! I have nothing negative to say about these gowns or ladies, I’m just now clearing that part of my life and holy embryo- the fact they even showed face, let alone dressed to the nines and couldn’t have a drink, Bravah ladies.

Black is Back 

juliablack bra annabodiceSome of my FAV FAV FAV gowns last night were in this category (and one may be the lucky Best Dressed). Black can be expected, easy and boring- but these beauties played it right and stepped into the light with some dark dressed style. I knew Anna Kendrick would show up to play the game, but the embellished red florets and pop of her deep red clutch turned black into a whole new ball gown game.

And now for the best part! Best and Worst! YAY!

I hate to do this to you Penelope but…

worst

Yeesh. And that’s just from the front. The color pink isn’t for P Cruz, the cut is not flattering for such a lovely figure and the back makes her look like she managed to conceive a child in her spine.

BESSSSSSST:

Ok, this was tough. I’m still not even sure who to pick….Lupita pulled off a color choice and gown cut that not many could do. Charlize took it there with her dress. And while I’ve found Julia Roberts dress on worst dressed lists all over (what are they thinking) I believe it to be down right perfect for a woman with style. So who to choose?

Sigh….

charlizeblack

Gotta give the gown to Charlize. It’s interesting, sexy and perfect from head to toe. But for the record: I LOVE Lupita and Julia.

Oh wait…I mean this girl was best dressed:

cori 2

Because I’m a mom and have to pick my daughter over everything…and if she could wear plunging necklines she would but she’s a baby and that’s effing weird. She won’t show neck skin until she’s 30 if I have anything to say about it.

And the Academy Award for Best Portrayal of a Mom goes to….

Gettin’ Our Speculatin’ On!

March 2, 2014

oscars 2

OSCAAAAAARSSSSS!!!!

*runs around in a circle*

Ok. So obviously I’ll be penning my I Can Has Style tomorrow for the big event, but tonight I thought I’d do my speculatin’ on winners. Here’s my plan- Who I think will win and who I want to win.

Let’s get it on.

THINKING!

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett

Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey

Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong’o

Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto

Best Director: Gravity

Best Picture: 12 Years A Slave

WANTING!

Best Actress: Amy Adams

Best Actor: This is tough because after seeing both films I can’t effing decide: Matthew McConaughey or Chiwetel Ejiofor

Best Supporting Actress: Same damn issue but if I’m being fair and not girl crushing on my J Law: Lupita Nyong’o

Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto 

Best Director: I really want to say American Hustle but he pulled from so many people. 12 Years A Slave def deserves it.

Best Picture: 12 Years A Slave HANDS DOWN

It’s unfortunate because Leo definitely deserves an Oscar- but I’m not quite sure Wolf of Wall Street is the film he deserves it from. 12 Years A Slave was the only film I felt held all the golden nuggets: screenplay, ensemble cast, directing. I’d love American Hustle to take it home, the ensemble acting and screenplay were to die for but again, directing was not original to Russel.

This is the first year I’ve seen almost every picture up for nomination and I’m damn excited to partake in the fun.

Let me get back to my red carpet cooking and red carpet watching.

Tune in for I Can Has Style tomorrow!!!!

Keeping Society aBREAST

February 28, 2014

Ok.

I had a nice list of blog topics for the next few entries but chucked them aside while watching Wendy Williams this morning. And by watching Wendy Williams…I mean…I wasn’t watching it….cough.

Let me start by saying: You do you.

Let me now say: I’m sincerely disappointed in our society shaming women who breastfeed in public.

Let me also say: I do not breastfeed in public. I took Summer PE in school so I wouldn’t have to change my clothes in front of people I went to school with, so whipping my boobies out in public is low on my list. I AM breastfeeding though.  And I think Frankie and the long list of people who saw my jugs from the day Cori was born to now can say, that when used as their purpose right now for the nourishment of my child, they are not sexual objects.

So as I watch a debate about this woman on a Delta flight who was told to cover herself or stop feeding her child, and 3/4 people at the table (3 of which were women and mothers) had the consensus that “boobs are sexual objects in this country so you should cover up, I don’t want to see your boobs on a plane” i was shocked.

And here’s why:

boobs3 2 boobs2 2 boobs1 2

These are images of breasts we see on a daily basis- and nobody says a damn thing. Why? Because they’re being used as sexual objects. So how is it the complaint for breastfeeding in public is that they’re sexual objects? Are you telling Salma Hayek to cover up if you so happen to sit near her in public? Are you really uncomfortable that breasts are sexual objects or are you uncomfortable because it’s the one time we’re not using them as sexual objects therefore you have no idea how to compute the act?

Again, this is not me on my high horse because I don’t breastfeed my kid in public. This is my normal issue and purpose of the blog- calling out pure ignorance in today’s society. When a woman walks on your flight with tits hanging out, do they tell her to cover them up? What about her ass cheeks in those short shorts I see on almost every flight to Texas in the summer?

feed 2

feed3 2 feed1 2

Out of the pics before and these- whose boobs are showing more?

This issue is really fucking dumb. There’s no gray here. It’s apparent that as long as boobs are being used as sexual things- peeps be cool with it. But WHOOOOA- she’s feeding her child??? No, cover ‘em up. That’s effing gross. How dare you use boobs as non sexual things in my presence *turns page of Cosmo magazine*. How dare you totes make me rethink how breasts are seen in public, my mind like simply can’t open up to see boobs as like two separate purposes! *coos over Victoria’s Secret new push up bra*

I know a lot of people who read this will not agree with me. For some reason, no matter how you rationalize this, people will still think it’s wrong. I’m not here to change your mind because if you’re one of the MANY described above you are not a mind to be changed (and for that I’m sincerely sorry).

I just had to express how disappointed I am in the strange way society is blind to common sense and the issues of “sexual” things as opposed to “nourishing your child”.

I’m done.

D-Day…I Mean, V-Day.

February 14, 2014

This is an open space, we’re honest here- right? Right.

Well, today is Valentine’s Day and I’m the most unsexy Erika I’ve ever been. Sure, I’ve got myself a Valentine, I guess. But in a 700 square foot maternity cage where his Biology books share equal space with burp cloths and used diapers- I think it goes without saying the romantic/sexy aspect of today and the luck of having someone to share it with goes a little fuzzy.

But Erika, you just had a baby. You’re the most woman you’ll ever be and that is sexy.

Come on.

I’m squishy. I’m marked. My V is out of action for V Day. I missed 3 spots shaving in the short time I had while my infant was passed out (and the need to shave was embarrassingly drastic so my legs look like a 14 year old with those weird tufts of hair on his face because he can’t grow a real beard). And for the last four weeks i’ve been so busy looking down at latching, poop, pretty sleeping infant, pumps and whatever outside communication I can get from my friends in a land far away on Facebook- I can’t remember the last time I actually kissed today’s valentine.

BUT…I’m gonna do whatever I can to spruce myself up and make the most of Commercial Love Day.

Step 1

Swipe some mascara, brush some blush on those cheeks that finally came back from the depths of water retention, and do something with your hair. I even painted my nails Prostitute Red. Most of this step is for me, it’ll be nice to pass a mirror and recognize myself. But maybe he’ll notice, too.

Step 2

Wrap that Moby around your waist, slip the bundled baby in and get hopping on his gift. It won’t be much but it’ll be something. Enough to say “thank you for supporting me while I grew your child, holding my leg while I pushed and not staring at me like a crazy person when I broke down and sobbed a few weeks ago”.

Step 3

You’re not going out. Date night won’t happen for awhile and New York inflates dinner prices to an embarrassing level on V Day anyways- so while you’re out for his gift, grab some dinner ingredients and try to whip up a special plate of love for the both of you. And make it easy enough to eat with a kid attached to your boob because she’ll more than likely pick the exact time dinner is ready to need her dinner as well. While you’re at it, have long pretty hair that blows in a perfectly placed fan wind with a sexy nursing bra unclipped so the mood isn’t ruined with suckling and milk soaking your top.

Step 4 

Remember that he probably still finds you somewhat attractive or, at least, remembers that you’ll get back to the good you at some point. Don’t put yourself down today and buck up for whatever love and romance you can muck up.

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And she’s worth the unsexy. I mean, clearly.

Advertising Aversion: The Story of Maternity Leave Thoughts

February 13, 2014

The longest stretch I’ve been stuck in this apartment with a poop demon was 3 days.

Three. Days.

Needless to say, in the first month of maternity leave, I’ve watched a lot of TV. I’ve also done some other things in my spare time that’s alarmingly close to curing cancer:

vagine 2I’m not proud. 

Along with the hours of TV I can barely focus on thanks to sleep deprivation and a constantly present human attached to her host milk supply- I see a lot of commercials. I can leave work, but work stays in focus.

The problem? I’m starting to see trends in advertising that are insanely annoying to me. I feel like they’re testing my level of intelligence and I’d like to discuss:

Don’t like this product? We’ll send you more of it then! 

Am I missing something? I…don’t….like….it. Well then, here’s some more! It’s the product equivalent of telling your mom you don’t like brussel sprouts so she loads eight more bitter balls of green confusion to your plate. Why do brands insist, upon announcing you’re not satisfied, they’ll send you another box of their products free of charge. So…I’ll have two of your items that I’m not satisfied with? What kind of mind trickery is this? I still haven’t figured it out in entirely but I feel like there’s a trick up your sleeve and when I’m dealing with your tampon brand there’s only one thing I need up a sleeve. And I better be damned satisfied with it.

Try our new simple kind! 

I eat cookies. So it made sense that I would notice this trend first in cookies, but it exists in an array of products at your local grocery store. And it evokes murderous rage.

I’ve noticed that brands are now introducing “Simple” versions of their chemical loaded processed foods. They coo things like “You can pronounce everything in it” or “6 natural ingredients”. And you know what? It’s effing smart. It’s a simple technique to lure in the simple minded people that don’t ask- why can’t it just be like that to begin with? Can you not make your other cookies with simple (and let’s be honest here, simple just means real ingredients that cost next to nothing to acquire if you’re baking at home) staples so that you’re not pumping your products, and our systems, with strange add-ins that are illegal in countries as close as the UK. I’m not one to pass up a sweet treat, even if Keebler made it, but if you’re announcing a cleaner cookie and your ability to make it…just make your cookies that way all around! If “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is announcing their new “I Can’t Believe I Can Make This Without Artificial Flavor And Other Shit”…Why keep the product with artificial flavor and other shit???

I know there are many more versions of the tricks turned by my chosen career….and lezzbeeoness- you’re not advertising to my clear genius (cough). You’re advertising to these people:

people-of-walmart-10-3 2

Keep up the good work.

***Note: It’s been a long minute since I penned one of these princesses. Let’s not focus too clearly on ant typos and let me get my arm back in good order. (I’ve left the typo in this very disclaimer because I’m modest and humble)

Oh Baby, It Couldn’t Get Weirder

November 21, 2013

Whilst I sit here actively growing a human, I can’t help but think about how weird I can one day make her. I’m terrified that she’ll become some shallow, materialistic thingy that knows how to apply makeup by 6 and ask to “totes talk to friends” by age 4.

In my quest for understanding the balance of making her weird but not…like…weird…I searched out the weirdest beginnings for tiny humans.

And boy does it get fucking weird.

Finland thinks outside the box….or sleeps in the box? 

Apparently in Finland it’s cool to shove your infant in a cardboard box to sleep. But where do you get such a lovely sleeping box? From Buy Buy Baby? Nope! Just use the normal ‘ol cardboard square your gifts come in! HOW CONVENIENT!

Think about it, that baby isn’t going anywhere. And if you need to ship him or her off to the grandparents for a weekend visit, it’s like the baby packed itself!

You Drool? I Spit.

Bulgaria is a place that has the baby’s best interest at heart. They figured out a way to protect you from the devil himself.  I mean, that’s pretty effing considerate.

When the baby is born it will obviously be fawned over. Told it’s a miracle and precious and such a cutie pie. And that right there is the best way to make the devil soooo jealous. He’s normally pretty chill, right? But those babies, getting all that attention, he can’t stand it. So parents think quick and spit in that babies face! Spit right in it! As if to say, see Devil? This baby is poop! Plain poop! Absolutely nothing to be jealous of.

And it works.

Let Them Eat Cake! Or Wear It! 

In Ireland, I would eat babies.

Wait…let me start that again.

In Ireland, I would eat babies! …..Okay, so it doesn’t get better. But hear me out.

The luck of the Irish save their top tier wedding cake for as long as it takes to bake a human. Then, at the christening, they sprinkle cake over the baby’s head. Holy water be damned, cake is where it’s at. And if I attended that christening while on this low carb boring no cake diet, I would freaking eat that baby….or at least lick the cake from its baby fresh head. Cake and new baby smell? I mean…if that flavor doesn’t exist then the Irish should hop on it.

So yeah….shit gets weird. I didn’t even mention China’s potty training methods from two months in, seawood soup diet for the Koreans or Bali’s “Don’t You Dare Touch The Ground” traditions. But you should def check them out.

And i’ll keep you up to date with my methods of weirdness training once I birth this wonderous fetus.

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