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One Flap Forward

September 3, 2014


Oh, you need a preface. Right.

Frankie, my beloved, loads up a toilet paper roll with the flap hanging out in the back. Now, imagine a world where someone installs your dispenser across from the toilet instead of next to it. Got it in your head? Good. You can go ahead and imagine what an extra 1.5 inches would mean for someone sitting on the toilet swiping to grasp the flap that’s hanging out in the back.

If you want an extra fun picture…imagine this while I was 8 months pregnant. I might have squished Corina down a few inches with how often I had to fight to grab the flap.

I try and explain this to Frankie but he doesn’t seem to understand the logic.

And then this happened.

The sole purpose Facebook exists.

This changes everything.

Actually, it probably doesn’t. And I don’t blame him, the last thing I want to think about is where the flap on my TP is. But I sit to relieve myself WAY more than he does, so the second I reach for the paper and realize I’ll have to play this game:

It kills my soul a little.

And it’s not just the reaching. I reach, swipe, reach, swipe, grab hold of the flap, get excited, pull, only get one square. Back to reaching, swiping, excited I grasped the flap and then put too much strength in it so I yank the dispenser off…unroll an entire roll….fling the holder across the bathroom….defeated.

This game I play a lot. It probably takes up AT LEAST 25 minutes a week. A WEEK. Do you know what I could with an extra 25 minutes a week?

Mayhap not reach for toilet paper and play this damn game?

I Can Has Style AGAIN?!?!?! (Emmy’s 2014)

August 26, 2014

I’ll stand by while your head explodes from so much awesome fashion.



The Emmy’s!!!! I was giddy as a school girl last night, watching all that fashion and talent struttin’ its stuff.

It wasn’t 2 minutes in that I already had a page full of notes on some really stellar pieces.

Shall we begin? *twirls mustache*

In The Red of Night 

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It was like a couture blood bath on the red carpet last night. Too much? Well too bad! Red was splashed and dashed all over the place and my blood boiled with excitement. Very few red dreads failed to please, but I put some of the my favorites/interesting choices above. You had the classic lines like Dreyfus, Klum and Aduba- but Driver drove it home with an embellished neckline and classic cut. Hendricks went a bit garish in my opinion, I didn’t think so seeing her on the TV, but the photos don’t present the fabric well. Cuoco grew on me, the 80’s tule twist wasn’t a big bang for me in the beginning but it fits her well. January took it to new level in a vintage inspired number, keeping it interesting but high fashion classic. Claire….well, the thought is what counts but no ugly crying over it, k?

Well, That’s…..Neat…

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These weren’t….the worrrrrrst picks…but….I mean…..aren’t they like….neat? That’s the only thing I can say about them. I don’t like them, I don’t not like them…..But the lines….and uh…the symmetry…and like….stuff….meh.

Let’s Paint The Town! Or The Dress! 

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Nothing says dress like….paint? *squinty eyes* Seems like a common theme last night showed celeb’s artsy fartsy side with painting inspired garb. Each dress was a canvas and while some took to the paint look well…others just looked…like doctor office decor. Bowen’s dress was nice, the picture not so much- this painting doesn’t like blowing in the wind. Dockery didn’t make a mockery out of modern lines and block colors, the dress isn’t my favorite but it’s easy on the eyes. Taissa Farmiga sharpened the competition with a sketched out bodice number that I happened to love, pencil this one in for a favorite. And uh, annoying aunt from Breaking Bad? You’re breaking my heart with that stock painting number.

So Many Dresses, Amiwhite?

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I’m not a fan of white, one wrong shadow and you’re looking rather….unfortunate. But with spanx and a stylist, last night proved the color a worthy one. From pant suits to fringe to glittering crystals, this color choice competes with the best of the red. But that last lil lady in the lineup- boom. That dress is straight up perfection.

Tip My Hat To The Top 5: 

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Laaaaaarvs me these babies. The lines, the cuts, the fabrics, the women inside the fabrics. GAH! I just want to touch them but not in a creepy way….you know what, maybe even creepy, because these dresses bring out something weird and carnal in me. What do you think? You like ‘em?

Sigh. You’re Dress Choice and List Consequence.

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I’m as inclined as your hem line to hate this choice.

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Because bubble gum.

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Because crushed velvet and knots.

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Nothing says a dress like looking as if you were caught in a red gnat cloud.


And now….for the best part…..BEST DRESSED!!!!

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Lizzy Caplan. Mmmm mmmm mmmm. It was tough but the moment I saw this gazelle of an actress, one of my favs on screen ladies, grace the carpet with her perfectly clad body- I knew she was mine to have. Creepy again? K. I’ll stop. But just look at her in all the glory of cut out bodices and perfectly pooling hems. You’re a vision, my dear. Now strip out of that ensemble and get back to experimenting with the horizontal tango.

There were so many choices last night that I didn’t even get to touch on some of them, but if you want to review what I missed just click here

I Can Has Style: 2014 VMA’s

August 25, 2014

Needless to say, last night’s show held a lot of meat.

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Bottoms up to the opening of the show.

That act won’t be the butt of any jokes today.

The show stopping first act was definitely not a bummer.

Okay, I’m done.

Watching anything MTV, especially live, is pretty much the equivalent to a glittery root canal. But I knew it would not disappoint when it comes to style.

Video Music Awards Horror Story: 

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Step right up! Step right up! Get lost in a world of denim and studs, grills and cornrows. You will not leave disappointed once you’ve met: The What The Fuck Is That Thing Man? *enter carnival music theme*


Back to Black

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Short, long, leather and lace, skin or no skin- black gave the finger to basic and rocked the VMA’s last night. You can go wrong with black, but these ladies of the night made the right moves shimmying into these wardrobe pieces.

Miley, of course, branded herself with bandeaux and skin to show. One of them Kardashian folk took Miley’s idea but classed it up. Beyonce is Beyonce, Yonce, Bey, Queen B- she totes woke up like that. And Ariana had one less problem to count in that va va voom leather mini and boots.


The Colors, DUKE! The Colors! 

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And where there’s black, color will shine. I’m not sure I’m sold on all of these choices, coughcoughTaylorcoughcoughcrotchpants. But the colors were there and ain’t nothin wrong with a rainbow.

I loves Chloe’s top, chic and all that good stuff. The smeared painted smock on some girl I don’t know worked really well, the movement was beautiful. Iggy went biggy in a skin tight metallic silver that I’m sure is really her actual skin, Iggy came naked and we were all fooled. She’s just like…..with those curves and….drool. Taylor….Just like….put some pants on. But the color is nice.

Little People in Big People Clothes

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Apparently children got all fancied up in their parent’s clothes last night. Oh wait, this just in…those are adults and apparently the choice was on purpose. I don’t think I need to go into further detail about the tents people above are wearing. They look a damn fool.

No. Go Home. 

And our favorite part- the people who just went horribly, horribly wrong. Let’s a have a moment of silence as we remember the celebrities who tried to get creative and use their own brains instead of paying someone to do it for them.

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*lip curl*

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I mean, sure- trash bags work.

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Nothing like wearing a glittery saddle bag, amiright?

And I know I normally have a best dressed but honestly….I was so captivated but the shit show that is MTV, I’m not sure I really gave anyone enough attention. I guess if I have to give someone the title, it’s Beyonce. She was best dressed in the bestest performance/publicity stunt to further convince me of her perfect business arrangement with Jay Z.

Brava, Yonce. Brava.

Do You Take This Woman As Your Business Partner?

August 21, 2014


While there’s racial turmoil in America, something traumatic has happened: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are more than likely divorcing.

This on top of BeyonJay’s impending doom is almost too much to handle. Why do we even get up in the morning?

You know why I get up? Because I have a job. And while you might think getting up and performing as a couple across the world is BeyonJay’s job…or Mariah walking through her closet while Nick hosts 80 shows across cable is their job…you’ve got it all wrong.

Their job is their relationship. Boom.


I haven’t found it yet, but I will. I will found the business deal struck up between two celebrities to keep their reputation going strong. I’m also working to reveal an even deeper conspiracy: the procreation of celebrities for the continuing growth of celebrity population, an effort to keep outsiders from penetrating the secret society of celebrity.

Yeah. Mind blown, right? I see right through all this, RIGHT THROUGH IT.

I’m a danger to them, I know too much. Luckily, my blog isn’t that popular so my know-how is safe within the confines of the few hundreds who partake in my very sane realizations.

You’re welcome for bringing you in to my secrets. May you live feeling more superior than the masses and their ill delusions of happy celebrity couples.


There May Bee A Problem

August 13, 2014

Look. I pride myself on knowing, deep in my maternal state, that I will do anything to protect my spawn.


It’s my duty, my organic make up as someone who grew a living thing inside of my living self.


A bee is involved.

Allow me to explain.

I was faced with a situation where I was with my child and a bee came into our lives. I was saddened to find that I almost ran….away from the bee….and away from my baby. My first thought was not to shield her from tiny stinging harm. My first thought was not to rip her from the confines of her stroller and run screaming mad.

My first instinct was to just leave everything and save myself.

Luckily, the bee found something more interesting than a mother and her child. Luckily, I was able to smooth out of my running stance before anyone around us was the wiser.

Unluckily….my child is not safe with her mother if the bumble murderers are about.

I’m not proud. But this is fact.

Time Machines Exist (Within Pleated Slacks).

June 12, 2014

An open letter to a new employee:


Dear Mr. Shirt tucked in and pleated slacks wearing headphones I wore in 3rd grade,

Congratulations on your new role here within this company. But a few questions:

Why are you wearing an office outfit from the mid 90’s? Who is allowing you to wear an office outfit from the mid 90’s? Have you met ear buds?

While your clothes are a pressing matter, the intensity in your eyes disturbs me in an “American Psycho” context- and the sheer fact you dress as a character from the book gives weight to my imagination.

I’m not sure if this is all a part of your master plan to fit into the norm by appearing as if you don’t. “Nobody will suspect the man in mid 90’s office apparel, he’s just listening to Third Eye Blind on his cushioned mid 90’s headphones.”

Well played my friend. But I know you know I’ve caught on.

I found you creeping around a corner the other day and I blatantly commanded that you, “stop being creepy”. I believe I’ve been added to your list but I accept that. I’m exposing you now on this blog and it won’t be hard for people in this office to find you….you’re wearing pleated slacks. And you tuck your shirts in too far, so it’s not cool, it’s slightly creepy.

I have a good view of you from my desk and I’ll do what I can to keep this office safe from whatever tricks you have up your pleats. I’ll see if you hide a chainsaw in your desk. And maybe you’re not a serial killer, maybe I’m weirder for staring at you from across the office because you creep me out. But whatever. I’m a martyr. I’ll fall on my weirdo sword to keep others safe.

Perhaps your schtick is working. Perhaps you’re not a serial killer but someone from the past that has come to the future to set something right. Perhaps you’re confused by iPhones and straighter/tighter office pants even though you somehow engineered a time machine. I don’t know. 

But I’m equally intrigued/terrified. And I’m equally  invested in my desire for you to wear your shirt not as tucked in.

Sincerely the girl who told you stop being creepy,


I Can Has Style: OSCARS 2014!!!!

March 3, 2014

Holy haute couture! The Oscars happened last night and boy was it long! I mean, great!

In all honesty, I didn’t think it was awful but I also cleaned up poop, puke and breast fed during the show so it livened things up. I guess that’s what you get when you invite Lindsey Lohan over. ZING!

Anywho, let’s get all up in those seam lines from last night and lightly touch on HOW I WAS 100% ACCURATE ON WINS LAST NIGHT. cough. I’m humble.

Birthday Suits and Necking:

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Don’t be prude, be nude! The color of naked was a major trend last night. I believe it was symbolic for the thespians coming bare and raw to accept golden statues for being paid liars. Sorry, I mean extremely talented paid liars.

lupitaneck hudsonneck charlizeblackSome opted for neck nudity instead of the color. And boy did they plunge deep in the trend. See what I did there? On top of exposing breast bones and bubbies, the styles and colors picked for such a statement were statements of their own. Lupita was GAHgeous in that lovely blue, Kate Hudson was down right sexy in her classic but modern cut, and Charlize took the cake (but didn’t eat it because she had to fit in that dress).

Cl-Cl-Classics Ya’ll 

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I always  love me the Classic category, while it takes balls to show up in something showy, it takes brains to step out in something classic and still make a statement. JLaw and Amy Adams played the modern twists best on the throwback styles, but only one knocked ‘em down…Oh wait, that was just JLaw tripping.

Jewels, Metals and Boddesses

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Metallics have been a trend now for a few years of Red Carpets, and I have to say the past years have shown the style off better. Angelina, unfortunately, meddling in metals did not appeal to me this year. I felt the cut was matronly but the idea was there. Anne Hathaway is getting a tad too thin, in my opinion, but her studded halter dress did play well to the theme of metallics.  A few of the nudes could shimmy into the gem’d out dresses category but Kelly Osborne’s play on it was downright lovely. And finally, the Bodice Bodesses of last night were Kristen Bell and Gaga. Gaga could have easily won this category if it weren’t for the over done makeup and pink scarf- I get what you’re doing but that dress should have shown alone. Appealing to the squishy new mom in me, I loved Kristen stepping out in a corset style gown with a classic twist. The eye follows it well and that baby weight was left off the red carpet.

Goo Goo Gah Gah Gowns

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One thing I was not expecting to trend last night was Preggo Bellies! I have nothing negative to say about these gowns or ladies, I’m just now clearing that part of my life and holy embryo- the fact they even showed face, let alone dressed to the nines and couldn’t have a drink, Bravah ladies.

Black is Back 

juliablack bra annabodiceSome of my FAV FAV FAV gowns last night were in this category (and one may be the lucky Best Dressed). Black can be expected, easy and boring- but these beauties played it right and stepped into the light with some dark dressed style. I knew Anna Kendrick would show up to play the game, but the embellished red florets and pop of her deep red clutch turned black into a whole new ball gown game.

And now for the best part! Best and Worst! YAY!

I hate to do this to you Penelope but…


Yeesh. And that’s just from the front. The color pink isn’t for P Cruz, the cut is not flattering for such a lovely figure and the back makes her look like she managed to conceive a child in her spine.


Ok, this was tough. I’m still not even sure who to pick….Lupita pulled off a color choice and gown cut that not many could do. Charlize took it there with her dress. And while I’ve found Julia Roberts dress on worst dressed lists all over (what are they thinking) I believe it to be down right perfect for a woman with style. So who to choose?



Gotta give the gown to Charlize. It’s interesting, sexy and perfect from head to toe. But for the record: I LOVE Lupita and Julia.

Oh wait…I mean this girl was best dressed:

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Because I’m a mom and have to pick my daughter over everything…and if she could wear plunging necklines she would but she’s a baby and that’s effing weird. She won’t show neck skin until she’s 30 if I have anything to say about it.

And the Academy Award for Best Portrayal of a Mom goes to….


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